Wine Etiquette: The Guide for Clueless Enthusiasts Who Slam a Bottle During a Match of Circle of Death

First of all, if you know the difference between pinot grigio and pinot noir, you’re in the WRONG place. Also, if you can tell me exactly what a pinot is then please allow me to lead your intervention for Google addiction…and you’re in the WRONG place.

If you drink wine out of a plastic cup even when wine glasses are around just because it’s convenient, then you’re in the right place. So now that I have my target audience’s attention, let’s begin.

Lesson #1: Arbor Mist is NOT the only wine out there. I’ll pause for a minute so my flabbergasted readers can recover from my previous statement. But I totally understand the draw. It’s cheap and tells you exactly what you’re getting unlike most wines. With the Mist, you don’t have to decipher what “soft red” means—no, you can pick your flavor. Mixed berry, sangria, watermelon, etc.; it really doesn’t get more descriptive than that in the wine section. (Although, less we forget the every-redneck’s favorite that I’m pretty sure comes from the distributors of Kool-Aid and that’s Boone’s Farm. And that’s another story.) Arbor Mist = slightly grown-up Kool-Aid and that’s okay. Just learn to explore. The panacea for the Arbor Mist die-hard is to take baby steps out of the cave and into the light. It’s okay to try other brands and styles. The best advice I can give is to grab a Boone’s back-up bottle just in case your new selection really sucks.

Lesson #2: Swirling the wine in your glass makes you look like a jackass. Sure, maybe it releases the aromas of the liquid, but I swear if you waft the scent to your nose like acidic chemicals from a beaker we are not friends.

Lesson #3: Ordering a spritzer does not make you less of a man so long as you give it to your girlfriend or another girl you’re attempting to sleep with. Extended—do not cheat and put rufies in her drink! Go for the challenge already!

Lesson #4: This one’s for the frugal fans. Do not let anyone at a department store or a bridal magazine convince you that you need 289 different style glasses to enjoy your wine. Red, white, and blush sips the same. Skip the fancy wear, pound the bottle, and register for a PS3 instead.

Lesson #5: In pairing wine with food I’d advise drinkers to pair wine with food.

Lesson #6: The importance of replacement cork stoppers is irrefutable if you’re a wuss. When you’re not able to consume an entire bottle of wine in one sitting (pansy), look into a cork stopper to save the freshness of the wine for when you’re feeling a little less pathetic. You can find these at finer garage sales with sayings to the effect of, “Wine’s better with friends.” This is a good sentiment so long as said friends bring their own wine to sample, too.

Lesson #7: Wine will fuck. you. up. at drinking games. Be sure to prepare for these events by securing a designated driver and toilet to worship.

Lesson #8: Your wine is for swallowing, not swishing around in your mouth. It’s not an everlasting gobstopper—the taste will not change with each swish. Trust me; you’ll taste it just as soon as it hits your tongue. Reserve the swishing for your Listerine twice a day.

Lesson #9: Drink wine and be fine.

Until something else pisses me off and inspires an etiquette writing…

Facebook Etiquette

How I did not think of this before when I was working hardcore on the etiquette series just blows my mind. Inspired by the mistakes of a new Facebook user, these are the ins and outs of how to be only moderately annoying on the social networking giant.

Status Updates:

You are not allowed to be the first one to comment your own status.

On that same note, this is not Twitter. More than 4 updates a day is just not acceptable. The only exception to this rule is if you are updating from your smart phone while you’re having a great time in some exotic/trashy place. For example: making sure to include that you just stepped down from the bar after dancing to “Chicken Fried” while wasting time in New Orleans is a completely acceptable post if it is surrounded by other similar updates from the same day.

The whole “woe is me” is just pitiful when broadcast to your 600+ friends.

I. don’t. care. about. your. plans. for. the. day. every. single. day.

Do not threaten my beliefs or values just because I won’t repost your bullshit.

Do this for me read all this run-on sentence without a breath because I bet you can’t do it even if you try multiple times and have super swimmer lungs I just think it’s near impossible and if you can then that’s really impressive because the point I’m trying to make is punctuate your statuses because you weren’t raised in a barn probably

Friends/Friend requests:

Oh dear Jesus, the friend requests. Let’s break it down.

• Hi, if 6 years ago you ruined my senior portrait day by showing up on the day mine are scheduled because you forgot your own appointment, you remain the stupid bitch I always thought you were, and you are not my friend. DENIED.
• Twice I let you borrow my notes because your drunk ass couldn’t make it to an early class on Friday? Nope, that’s not friendship. DENIED.
• What? You’re dating one of my old friends and the only way I know this is to look at my friend’s status to discover how you know me? I don’t know you!!! DENIED.
• You are from Wyoming? DENIED.

1,023 friends? Well, who just crowned you Miss Congeniality?

Pictures:

Come on, ladies (and gents). Most of us are guilty of it, but it’s still cringe-worthy: holding that camera out in front of you with your head cocked mostly to one side and your lips pursed to bridge that line between pouty and stupid. Click 20+ times until you get it right and upload. Brand new flirty profile picture! I know it happens and it’s ultimately unavoidable, but mix it up by including a friend or two in these shots every couple weeks or so if you insist on changing your picture more than once a week.

Whoever told you that you look like the celebrity in your doppelganger picture straight up lied to you.

Were you trying to be an ass when you tagged me in that picture?

If I tag you in a really bad picture, then I’m trying to be an ass. Please don’t defriend me. Or wait, I think “unfriend” is the accepted dictionary term now…

Grammar:

We won’t do anything tomarrow, but you can ask me to do something tomorrow.

Then, than; to, too, two; they’re, their, there; your, you’re: PLEASE learn the proper use of these word groups.

Overdoing the abbreviations. Srsly?

imma miss mi bbycakes at skool next year: this crap is just unacceptable on multiple levels.

General B.S.

I do not want to be your neighbor on FarmVille, YoVille, or DoucheVille. Leave me alone already!

A simple poke is enough; there’s no need to super poke me or try to throw a hypothetical snowball either.

Please stop inviting all your friends to join a group to add the dislike button. There are at least 100 groups that claim this. It’s getting old and it doesn’t work!

To the parents and other nosy older acquaintances: don’t abuse facebook. This is not a tool for tracking your child’s every move. Do yourself a favor: go grab your digital, purse out your lips a little and cock your head to the side and snap away at your mug. Upload it as soon as possible. You’ll figure out how this system works soon enough…

Sunday, January 3, 2010

9:00 a.m. Already called US Airways twice to see if our flight has been delayed. I woke up to a large dumping of snow (which turned out to be a record breaking 33” by the end of the day) and it’s still going strong. In KY, this kind of weather would be great and it would slow me down. Today, not no way, not no how. Come on New England transportation, this is what you’re made for.

9:47. Our apartment friends don’t have a snow shovel and there’s about 16” of snow on the ground making it a very sad path to the taxi.

9:48. Shovel snow with sled from basement.

9:51. T steals a shovel from the neighbor. I’m a champ with a shovel.

12:10. Airport screen still says ON-TIME. You lie, unless the airport took off and has been in the air for 10 minutes. No? That didn’t happen?

1:13. Watching reddish liquid trickle down the windows. Apparently it’s de-icer. I think someone murdered a moose that was catching an illegal ride.

1:23. What is this loud-ass puddle jumper we’re riding in?

1:26. Our uber-gay flight attendant is jealous of my Julian McMahon bookmark. He vows to visit KY if that’s how we roll. I don’t see the connection, but sure.

1:32. Is he just speaking gay or does he have a hint of an accent?

1:33. Want to ask him, but don’t want to offend.

1:45. He loves the new Bachelor on ABC. Just pulled out a magazine to show us how delish he is.

1:50. Even though he’s a nice dude, T openly criticizes him for not giving us in-flight snacks.

1:53. This puddle jumper is sooo loud. Much louder than the concert even. If I lose me hearing today I will be sending a very strongly worded letter.

2:10. Turns out to be the smoothest landing and one of the most fun plane rides ever.

2:15. In LaGuardia. I hate this airport already. Must take a bus to get to the next hanger and catch our flight.

2:17. It’s colder here than in fucking Vermont! I do not <3 NY!

3:23. RAN through the airport to board flight. Ended up priority access. Hmm.

3:45. Flight attendant just said ass. As in, “We board this flight from ass end to front.” I must meet her when she brings me beverages.

3:46. Flight attendant continues to speak to passengers like the ignorant fools we are.

3:48. Waiting for her to say ass again.

3:49. Direct quote: please do not stow your luggage in the first empty compartment that you see.
We are total fools—at least those who’ve brought their 49.5lb bags as a carry-on.

3:53. Men dressed in black skipping down the aisle.

4:46. Finally in the air after sitting on the plane for an hour.

6:11. Someone lost our luggage. My maple candy was on there. FAIL.

6:20. In the car to head back to BG. Trip over. What do you mean I have to work tomorrow? Well, shit.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

2:50 p.m. Watching Titanic because it’s still really fucking cold outside. T’s laughing at Rose’s meek voice calling for the boats to come back to rescue her from the frigid water. And then she laughed harder when she pried Jack’s cold dead hand from hers. What an ass.

2:51. Got a sweet Vermont shirt that has a moose on it from the gift shop today. Badass.

2:54. And we got to see Champ the Lake Monster of Lake Champlain yesterday. Here’s bobo Champ.

3:19. Enjoying a grilled cheese and discovering the wonders of the ocean in the BBC series Blue Planet. Swordfish is hunting. I think if I saw something like that I’d yell, “OMG, who gave that fish a sword?”

3:23. Huge whale on now. Anyone I don’t want to talk to tomorrow will be spoken to in whale only.

7:54. Just got off the phone with a Delta rep because I found out our flight at 6 tomorrow morning was cancelled. Not the weather—something about a crew member is to blame. So the rep told me our only option was for Monday. Hi, NO. After fighting for awhile, we got a flight from VT->NYC, LaGuardia and NYC -> Nashville, putting us in Nashvegas about 5 hours later than planned. Not awful, but still way later than I really wanted to be. ‘Scuse me, I would like to be cuddling with my guy and the dog while napping through football games, not sit in airports with the creepers.

7:55. Go searching for the leftover wine to chill out.

7:56 Fuck you, Delta.

7:56. T’s talking on the phone about her coffee mug; reminds me of the badass moose t-shirt.

9:05. Proven the DrownDing theory wrong. It’s not just Wisconsonites—T just sucks.

9:07. F. HAHAHAHA. In my logic of shortening everyone’s name for anonymity and time, this is who T has been talking to for at least 3 hours now. F this. F that. F it all. That’s just great.

9:08. Cluster Fuck.

9:08. Not a nickname

9:10. Oh wait, yes, F gave me permission to change her name in this writing to Cluster Fuck for the reason that it is awesome. Win.

9:50. Cluster Fuck sends H on a scavenger hunt.
Task 1: Find retro board game i.e., Girl Talk.
Actual find: weed box and game pieces

Task 2: Find something inflatable
Actual find: more game pieces

10:25. Mad myself out of binoculars and a bigass scarf, moose shirt, and rain stick. This is the final task of the scavenger hunt: to make a sculpture that stands on its own

Friday, January 1, 2010: New Year’s Day

1:42 a.m. Waiting for Grace’s dad to bring back our shirts that we sent with him backstage. Some late 30 somethings won’t leave us alone, but maybe they offer good information: listen to Cowboy Junkies album Trinity Sessions. Hmmm…

3:19. Concert high will not wear off. (Bonus for the online reader: check out a recording of the show. Second set features songs from Top Gun!!! http://www.archive.org/details/gpn2009-12-31.akg481.flac16) Trying to wind down by watching Old School.

3:22. I also have to note that it’s 2:22 CST ( my phone didn’t switch over). 2:22 is a Grace song. Played tonight. By far the best version I’ve ever heard.

3:23. Also must note that we met 2 girls outside as we waited for a cab. They were pissed. It’s assumed that they were leaving the band’s after party. I will wonder what pissed them off so.

11:04. I’ve been brushing my teeth with all-natural baking soda toothpaste for the past 3 days. While I initially thought it tasted like the smell of fish oil—shit, forget initially—it still tastes weird. But I can’t help but return to it day and night. It must be growing on me.

11:04. Happy New Year! Now that it’s 2010, I wonder how long it will take the Trivial Pursuit people to come out with the ’00-’09 edition. I suck ass at the ‘80s edition, but think I would have a good shot with this one since I’ve been in my teens and early 20s that whole time!

11:09. Just realized that I’ll be taking back 3 posters and a shirt that needs framed. GPN shrine number 2 anyone?

(pictures)

7:40 p.m. About to complete the Scream trilogy for a fairly lazy NYD.

7:41. Realize that it’s okay to shorten New Year’s Even with NYE, but to shorten New Year’s Day with NYD looks stupid.

7:42. T might be part bug. She admitted that she can’t stop staring at the light.

7:43. Now she’s making inappropriate jokes about “the light” by connecting it with death and planes. Not funny.

7:44. T has lost her mind. Completely.

7:52. D-R-O-W-N-I-N-G. How you spell the word that indicates when one is overcome with water and is unable to reach the surface. Note that there is no –D- other than the 1^st “d” in the word; therefore, one should not pronounce it “drownDing”. Wisconsonites are just strange.
T: Ouch.

7:55. T: I think I’m going to name my kid Polyester.
H: Sorry, what?
T: You know, ‘cause it’s okay for his name to be Cotton and I think Polyester sounds way better than Nylon.
H: Okay.

7:56. T:Did you see the brat[wurst] on the side of the road today? I was going to point that out to you but then I didn’t.
H: Why would you not point that out to me?!

7:57. Tiger Woods’s wife must have been watching Scream 3 directly before Tiger admitted that he’s been familiar with other ladies. Pretty girl + golf clubs (like the lady who takes a swing at Cotton in the opening sequence). It’s all too familiar.

9:00. H: I’d be pretty messed up if I found out my mother was a whore right about now.

9:01. T: And H has lost her mind. Rolling a Gatorade cap around your mouth is a talent that no many people have.

9:05. T: I’m sorry, is the founding on top of your head too tight?

9:05. H can’t shoot Gatorade bottles or cookie wrappers across the room. Sad Day L

10:32. Butthole and booger = 2 words that need to come back into the mainstream

10:33. Oooh, and butthead, too.
H: I think you’ve called me a butthead before.
T: Yeah, I go more for the head than the hole.

Thursday, December 31, 2009: New Year’s Eve

8:30 a.m. EST. Woke up after 11 hours of sleep.

8:47. T tells me she was a victim of sleep texting. Oh noes!

8:48. Drying my hair with a space heater.

10:16. Knock on the door. Woman trying to sell $1 Jesus books for a refugee man with children. I tell them I’ll give them a dollar but to keep the books.

10:19. Watching Jurassic Park and determining today’s game plan.

10:21. H: Oh, I know what I’m missing!
T: Some wine?

10:23. Forgot what I actually got up to write in the journal until just now. I finally established a sense of direction on a map. That’s why I’m celebrating with wine. Duh.

10:31 Wine and Rice Krispies = breakfast of not champs, WARRIORS.

 

10:31 She has her camera out again and that is dangerous. I’m pretty sure she just took a picture of a picture of cows.

11:52. T just put someone else’s boots on for the day. Literally. I dunno.

4:05 p.m. Read to head to the Windjammer for drinks and Grace tonight!

5:55. T: I have a feeling this is going to be an insert foot in mouth night.

5:56. Mullet in training walked in with his parents @ the fairly upscale Windjammer upper deck bar/pub. Now I don’t feel so underdressed in my bandanna.

7:36. In line. Confirmed that the band will be reenacting Top Gun for the 2^nd set. Have a tiny orgasm. Luckily, no one notices. Now we debate which member will be Maverick.

10:11. Diet Dr. Pepper placed on the stage. Reason #43 we heart Cat (Popper).

10:55. Grace Potter: I thought I’d dress up for you guys tonight, but my tits are totally falling out of this thing.

11:42. Dude hits on girl: If I could come back in life, I’d be Grace.
What a pick up line. But it doesn’t beat what he said next.
Dude: If I come back, would you buy me a vacuum?
Way to go, killer.

Trip to VT: Wednesday, December 30, 2009

4:06 a.m. Arrive @ T’s place. I think there’s crack in her coffee. If you’re a fan of the holiday Gap commercials then you’ll understand this. Remember this year’s popular one with the little girls and their sweaters. You know that little blonde girl that screams with the scary eyes? Strikingly familiar right now. “Who’s excited?!?!” Whoa, killer.

4:33. T has a gained a boyfriend on the trip to the airport.  

5:23. WTF?! Did they move the Nashville airport?

5:28. Oh, there it is.

5:53. Nothing hits the spot like a chewy lukewarm Baaaaagel.

6:09. God, I can’t write everything down. T says it’s okay, because she had a fanny pack. Apparently that’s all you need to know.

7:05. On the airplane. Actual conversation between T and neighbor.
N: My God, in about 2 seconds I’m going to buy that kid a shot of Jack. If it doesn’t shut him up it will at least burn his vocal cords.
T: I’ll split it with ya.
N: Nice group effort.

10:15. On plane in Detroit to VT. Plan to bust out the Tunak Tunak dance as much as humanly possible.

10:20. The pilot just informed us that it is 5 degrees in Burlington. WTF, Weather Channel.com? You told me it would be 19! I value those extra 14 degrees.

10:45. I’m pretty sure I see one of the Great Lakes. Now would be a great time to remember my geography.

12:30 p.m. Burlington airport has a Weather Channel kiosk! Thus illustrates my love/hate relationship with weather, my favorite dirty whore.

12:53. Just got free maple cotton candy. SCORE.

1:43. About died in the ride over here. Now I understand what they mean by Death Cab for Cutie.

3:24. Ripped 2 GPN posters off a community board. Let the AVD begin!

3:27. Fuck, it’s cold. 

4:12. Making another run to the Kwik Mart. Mind you that we’re walking everywhere. This time we need TP and to steal napkins from the tiny café.

4:38. Standing in front of the heating unit in hopes to find my toes again.

4:45. Continue working on GPN Warrior fan shirts. Applying the iron on letters with my new Chi. It totally works wonders.

7:32. Finished shirts! Finest creation ever.

7:55. Ready for bed. About to pop in The Lion King on VHS and finish my pitiful one glass of wine.

7:58. Wine finished. Where to spend the day tomorrow…

8:28. Look here Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom. Dammit, I’m quoting The Lion King already.