Now Podcasting! (Sort of)

I thought it would be a good idea to record some (if not all) of the posts I produce so you have the opportunity to get a feel of whats been written. They're really really basic...okay it's just me talking into a cheap microphone with no audio bed or fun sound effects. I know--it's ghetto. However, give it a listen if there's something you would like to get a more personal take on the writing. So far I've only gotten 2 recorded. Find them here:

Class Room Etiquette Teaser: The Bitch Behind

and the most recent post:

Prescription: Appear Comfortable

Take a listen and offer some advice. I'll work on recording the previous posts and let you know as they become available!

Prescription: Appear Comfortable

Hear it here!

Warning: Never ever show you’re vulnerable
Simplicity’s prescription: appear comfortable

Greet the day
Stable the shake
Seek solace in the distraction
Paint the face of satisfaction

It’s the ease of the routine
Expressions like a machine
Jumbled flaws rattle the core
Those faults you’ve come to abhor
Are locked away in the iron cage
Thus silencing fits of rage

Silence flexes as strength
Casting truth a great length
From the prescription never stray
It’s a price you’ve come to pay

Under this cloak it’s nothing but vulnerable
There’s no way in hell this is comfortable

Final 15 Stream of Consciousness

Welcome to PR class! No notes necessary. Today we’re talking about government relations. Let’s see how well I stay on track this day:

God, I’m hungry

What’s the deal with all the frat shirts? They don’t make sense—I’m not jealous.

Why don’t I remember anything the professor is talking about? I actually read enough to take an online quiz yesterday.

Pres. Bush looks like a weasel in that picture.

I miss Lil’ Chaney. “*mumble mumble* fuck you *mumble mumble*”

Oh shit, don’t start laughing in class

Where is that guy that was sitting behind me? He’s been out of class for like 15 minutes. I think he was on the phone. He’s not really missing anything

I have a ruffler/sniffler sitting next to me. She’s also shaking her leg so violently that she’s shaking the floor a bit. Oh—write another blog about this phenomenon. I think this girl inspired the entire classroom etiquette series.

“Such as, and…” OMG I need to watch that Miss Universe video on YouTube again. Stupid contestant.

I think the lady in the press conference in the video might have an Irish coffee. She’s speaking rather slowly. If I worked for Bush I would be a functioning alcoholic, too.

Wow, I really can’t read my writing. That will be a bitch when I’m trying to type this out later.

I think maybe 3 people are paying attention to lecture.

Why is it raining? I wanted to have an actual softball practice today, not just a team gathering to drink.

I’m still hungry.

Now, I have to pee.

Wow, this lady on the video has an attitude—she’s an angry drunk.

Oh shit, my foot is stuck in the desk. Wait. Got it.

She just said “surge.” Whatever happened to that drink?

I wonder if the professor knows that I’m not actually taking notes.

Wow, there are a lot of people waiting for the shuttle. I understand. My rain boots suck to walk in.

I need a new umbrella. My other one exploded.

My boyfriend is still asleep. That lucky ass.

Will anyone actually read this?

OMG it’s time to go. Haul ass!

I love ASS

Hear my pretty voice!

I love the word “ass.” Ass. Ass. ASS. Contrary to those who believe that “fuck” is the most versatile word in the English language, I believe “ass” is even better. Dictionaries give a few meanings of the word: another word for donkey, a foolish person, the buttocks, etc.

See, the strength in “ass” is that not only does it kick ass as a stand alone word, it can also be combined with quite a variety of words. Enter some of my favorites:

As a prefix:

Ass-munch, ass-hat, asshole

As a suffix:

Dumbass, smartass, jackass

Ways to lose the ass:

Laugh the ass off, work the ass off, sweat the ass off, run the ass off

Sexualized:

Tap that ass, ass-man, piece of ass

Violent:

Kick some ass, beat his/her ass, whip the ass

Adjective:

Big-ass, cheap ass, ass backward, bad ass

Words that were brainstormed that should be in the mainstream:

Asshead, ass-nugget, asstastic

Now, see, wasn’t that fun? Very mature, too. This is definitely what I do instead of writing research papers. I love senior-itis. Have an asstastic day!

Do feel free to leave me with other words or phrases that make use of the best word ever.

Missing Amendment

The First Amendment guarantees my speech,
but where’s the promise of attention?
They’ll allow me to speak
right after they cut the microphone chord
There’s a press hungry for a story
but it’s not mine.
Even when I bleed I don’t lead
It’s an obsession with the by-line
Always miss the who, what, when, where,
Why?

Movie Theater Etiquette

Nights at the movies are a basic staple of college life. Some Fridays I can’t wait to go out and blow some money from my minimum wage job. But like with many other activities that I’ve described, there are certain expectations I have for this occasion. Let’s discuss this in the most awkward way possible. Here’s theater etiquette—Ten Commandments style:

1. I am a paying customer of the theater, who expects to have a great movie experience because it was $8. You shall not piss me off.

2. You shall not bring hordes of droning friends whose purpose is none other than to aggravate me by using a cell phone, or by giggling, or by whispering, or by kicking my seat. For I, the ruler of the theater, can be a real ass-hat, calling out everyone who spites me, and show no mercy to anyone who is a jerk.

3. You shall not make fun of my laugh, or the timing of my laughter, for I will turn and shoot you a dirty look through the gap in the seats.

4. Remember the silence, keep it holy

5. Honor the space between the seats and the capacity of the theater.

6. You shall not kick the hell out of my seat.

7. You shall not play tonsil hockey in a loud fashion.

8. You shall not steal my concessions.

9. You shall not ruin the end of the movie.

10. You shall not envy my seat; you shall not envy my popcorn, nor my Raisinets, nor my soda, nor my leg room, nor my armrest, nor anything in my intimate, holy space.

Five Stages of Graduation Teaser: Fourth Stage: Depression

Now, five weeks out and what I thought would be my ticket to life turns out to look more like a speeding ticket. See Exhibit A of living for tomorrow, racing through the last of my care-free years. So now there’s these five weeks. It’s time to meet the finals: the final procrastination session, the final final, that final minute of care-free life. An inevitable end draws near. Where am I going? Who will remember? Who will still be there? There’s only time.

5 Stages of Graduation Teaser: Third Stage: Bargaining

How about I receive my diploma, but everything remains the same. So let’s say I continue to party with friends, nap for pleasure, and read the occasional book. See, I have this comfortable routine: blueberry muffin Monday, cuddle time Thursday, sleep in Sunday. Work every day, play every day, laugh every day. I swear I’ll keep my mind sharp. I’ll always have my crosswords and Brain Age puzzles. See, I’ll do my part. So how about we delay the whole turning of the tassel thing just a bit longer.