Wine Etiquette: The Guide for Clueless Enthusiasts Who Slam a Bottle During a Match of Circle of Death

First of all, if you know the difference between pinot grigio and pinot noir, you’re in the WRONG place. Also, if you can tell me exactly what a pinot is then please allow me to lead your intervention for Google addiction…and you’re in the WRONG place.

If you drink wine out of a plastic cup even when wine glasses are around just because it’s convenient, then you’re in the right place. So now that I have my target audience’s attention, let’s begin.

Lesson #1: Arbor Mist is NOT the only wine out there. I’ll pause for a minute so my flabbergasted readers can recover from my previous statement. But I totally understand the draw. It’s cheap and tells you exactly what you’re getting unlike most wines. With the Mist, you don’t have to decipher what “soft red” means—no, you can pick your flavor. Mixed berry, sangria, watermelon, etc.; it really doesn’t get more descriptive than that in the wine section. (Although, less we forget the every-redneck’s favorite that I’m pretty sure comes from the distributors of Kool-Aid and that’s Boone’s Farm. And that’s another story.) Arbor Mist = slightly grown-up Kool-Aid and that’s okay. Just learn to explore. The panacea for the Arbor Mist die-hard is to take baby steps out of the cave and into the light. It’s okay to try other brands and styles. The best advice I can give is to grab a Boone’s back-up bottle just in case your new selection really sucks.

Lesson #2: Swirling the wine in your glass makes you look like a jackass. Sure, maybe it releases the aromas of the liquid, but I swear if you waft the scent to your nose like acidic chemicals from a beaker we are not friends.

Lesson #3: Ordering a spritzer does not make you less of a man so long as you give it to your girlfriend or another girl you’re attempting to sleep with. Extended—do not cheat and put rufies in her drink! Go for the challenge already!

Lesson #4: This one’s for the frugal fans. Do not let anyone at a department store or a bridal magazine convince you that you need 289 different style glasses to enjoy your wine. Red, white, and blush sips the same. Skip the fancy wear, pound the bottle, and register for a PS3 instead.

Lesson #5: In pairing wine with food I’d advise drinkers to pair wine with food.

Lesson #6: The importance of replacement cork stoppers is irrefutable if you’re a wuss. When you’re not able to consume an entire bottle of wine in one sitting (pansy), look into a cork stopper to save the freshness of the wine for when you’re feeling a little less pathetic. You can find these at finer garage sales with sayings to the effect of, “Wine’s better with friends.” This is a good sentiment so long as said friends bring their own wine to sample, too.

Lesson #7: Wine will fuck. you. up. at drinking games. Be sure to prepare for these events by securing a designated driver and toilet to worship.

Lesson #8: Your wine is for swallowing, not swishing around in your mouth. It’s not an everlasting gobstopper—the taste will not change with each swish. Trust me; you’ll taste it just as soon as it hits your tongue. Reserve the swishing for your Listerine twice a day.

Lesson #9: Drink wine and be fine.

Until something else pisses me off and inspires an etiquette writing…