Facebook Etiquette

How I did not think of this before when I was working hardcore on the etiquette series just blows my mind. Inspired by the mistakes of a new Facebook user, these are the ins and outs of how to be only moderately annoying on the social networking giant.

Status Updates:

You are not allowed to be the first one to comment your own status.

On that same note, this is not Twitter. More than 4 updates a day is just not acceptable. The only exception to this rule is if you are updating from your smart phone while you’re having a great time in some exotic/trashy place. For example: making sure to include that you just stepped down from the bar after dancing to “Chicken Fried” while wasting time in New Orleans is a completely acceptable post if it is surrounded by other similar updates from the same day.

The whole “woe is me” is just pitiful when broadcast to your 600+ friends.

I. don’t. care. about. your. plans. for. the. day. every. single. day.

Do not threaten my beliefs or values just because I won’t repost your bullshit.

Do this for me read all this run-on sentence without a breath because I bet you can’t do it even if you try multiple times and have super swimmer lungs I just think it’s near impossible and if you can then that’s really impressive because the point I’m trying to make is punctuate your statuses because you weren’t raised in a barn probably

Friends/Friend requests:

Oh dear Jesus, the friend requests. Let’s break it down.

• Hi, if 6 years ago you ruined my senior portrait day by showing up on the day mine are scheduled because you forgot your own appointment, you remain the stupid bitch I always thought you were, and you are not my friend. DENIED.
• Twice I let you borrow my notes because your drunk ass couldn’t make it to an early class on Friday? Nope, that’s not friendship. DENIED.
• What? You’re dating one of my old friends and the only way I know this is to look at my friend’s status to discover how you know me? I don’t know you!!! DENIED.
• You are from Wyoming? DENIED.

1,023 friends? Well, who just crowned you Miss Congeniality?

Pictures:

Come on, ladies (and gents). Most of us are guilty of it, but it’s still cringe-worthy: holding that camera out in front of you with your head cocked mostly to one side and your lips pursed to bridge that line between pouty and stupid. Click 20+ times until you get it right and upload. Brand new flirty profile picture! I know it happens and it’s ultimately unavoidable, but mix it up by including a friend or two in these shots every couple weeks or so if you insist on changing your picture more than once a week.

Whoever told you that you look like the celebrity in your doppelganger picture straight up lied to you.

Were you trying to be an ass when you tagged me in that picture?

If I tag you in a really bad picture, then I’m trying to be an ass. Please don’t defriend me. Or wait, I think “unfriend” is the accepted dictionary term now…

Grammar:

We won’t do anything tomarrow, but you can ask me to do something tomorrow.

Then, than; to, too, two; they’re, their, there; your, you’re: PLEASE learn the proper use of these word groups.

Overdoing the abbreviations. Srsly?

imma miss mi bbycakes at skool next year: this crap is just unacceptable on multiple levels.

General B.S.

I do not want to be your neighbor on FarmVille, YoVille, or DoucheVille. Leave me alone already!

A simple poke is enough; there’s no need to super poke me or try to throw a hypothetical snowball either.

Please stop inviting all your friends to join a group to add the dislike button. There are at least 100 groups that claim this. It’s getting old and it doesn’t work!

To the parents and other nosy older acquaintances: don’t abuse facebook. This is not a tool for tracking your child’s every move. Do yourself a favor: go grab your digital, purse out your lips a little and cock your head to the side and snap away at your mug. Upload it as soon as possible. You’ll figure out how this system works soon enough…