Hung-over Highlights Entry #2

Entry #2: Sunday, August 23

I sat in church this morning making a mental note of the exact thoughts I was having at the moment: I’m sitting here with girls that I coached over the summer hoping that I don’t reek of sweat and alcohol as I sway to the organ music. My body is caught somewhere between the end of the last minutes of sleep and the bottom of a wine bottle. I left a boy at my place, and I just realized that I have no idea what his last name is. Hillary, you are AWESOME.

Which brings me to what I think will be my finest realization in this book: Everyone needs to have a one night stand.

Allow me to expand on this. Note that all this finer thinking happened while I slouched over the pews trying my hardest not to think the word “vomit” for the mere word may induce action.

When I say one night stand, please don’t throw your purity ring at me just yet. (Wait. I’m sorry, let’s face it, if you’re reading this and you have a purity ring, I completely missed my target demographic or you are totally lying. Oh no, or you’re a parent who picked this and about 1239 other college prep related books up because you’re freaking out about your baby going away to college. If this is your situation, I suggest you throw out the other books because if you made it this far, then you know this is by far the most interesting and pertinent one.)

Anyway, when I say one night stand, I don’t mean everyone needs to have just one random night with a relative stranger where all that happens is no strings attached sex. This is just what most people think about when “one night stand” is brought up. Get your minds out of the gutter already. Okay, so maybe that’s how I originally derived this hypothesis—note that it is not a theory as I have not conducted multiple experiments to deem this as such, although that would by far be the least boring science project ever. Whatever, don’t judge. See, my thinking here is that everyone needs just a one night connection of sorts where each party’s ego is boosted considerably. It’s got the feeling of a junkie’s quick fix but without the withdrawal—that is if your brain tends it properly. What I mean is that both parties have to go into the night with zero expectations and be able to mentally withstand the idea that any ego boosting is to be a one-night only event. Note here that there is no room for immaturity or whiny bitches in my kind of one night stand. So really what this means is that two completely sober intelligent people could have a one night stand without even touching. Granted, that if you’re down for it, that is totally a bonus. Seriously though, just a really good conversation with someone you will never see again can fit into this kind of one night stand.

Really, it’s just something that you look back on and say, “Wow. That was actually pretty strange, but I feel completely awesome about it.” So go on my friends. Off to your one night stands! Tell me about them later.