Etiquette Series: Driver Etiquette

So as drivers, we all have certain rules that we think our passengers should abide by e.g. don’t smoke in my car, hands off my stereo, no licking the windows, etc. Well, this part of the etiquette series isn’t about how we should act as a driver. Oh no, that would be way too easy. This is about how to act as the driver when I’m your passenger. That’s right. Now, you may say I could just as easily hop in my car and drive myself, right? Well, college days when you don’t have your own car on campus or you must ride with someone who insists on driving every time, whether to Wal-Mart or road trippin’, sometimes I just couldn’t avoid it. And of course, this all stems from personal experience. It’s not that I hate you as a person, it’s just that I hate the way you drive.

1. There is a reason that the pedals are positioned the way they are on a car. Do not attempt to cross your legs to drive. You’re not wearing a skirt, and even if you were, I can assure you that not one of the seven dwarfs nor any stars from that TLC show are down there. Your junk is just not that important.

2. I already don’t like it that you text other people nonstop while I’m around. Don’t take that shit on the road. Remember, you still have to concentrate on balancing the cigarette and soda in one hand while you repeat the same song’s chorus—for the 14th time.

3. Don’t get mad at me when I change the song on your iPod; it’s not my fault that your music taste is awful. Let’s just say that when I plug in my tunes, I’m just trying to expand your horizons.

4. I’m pretty sure that the 83 year –old lady in the Buick does not want to race you.

5. Listen, I am your passenger. My life is in your hands. If you would wreck only to kill me and survive, know that I will come back to haunt you and your ass would be mine!

6. Unless you are driving a trash truck (in which case I will not be riding along), your vehicle’s purpose is to carry passengers from one place to the next. It is not reserved for litter and dirty messes. And trust me, the air freshener in the vents does not help make it look or smell prettier.

7. I pretty much suck with directions already. If the heinous witch of a lady inside the GPS tells you to turn the wrong way onto a one-way street, do not automatically assume that I reprogrammed her to ruin your life. But if she calls you a foolass for listening to her anyway, I might have had something to do with that.

8. Position your seat so you can clearly see optimally at all angles. Do not for any reason lean your seat back so that you can thrust at the air in perfect synchronization with the bass line of your new favorite song.

9. Lastly, I do appreciate the mom arm you sling across my chest whenever a sudden stop becomes necessary; however, I do not appreciate your wandering hands.