The Boyfriend Application

The Boyfriend Application:

You know, I find it to be completely normal for a lady such as myself to have a set, or list if you will, of traits and qualities she would like in a mate. Some list entries are quite vague--boys must have one functioning penis. Other entries feature qualities that I doubt even exist--e.g. boys must express no interest in porn (this is not on my personal list just so you know; it is merely an example). See, I used to venture toward the vague side of the trait list. However, what I’ve found as of late is that my vague traits need a certain amount of tailoring so that I don’t leave something out. So I’ve developed this boyfriend application based on my list. Just for you lucky lads--complete with all the strings.

Attention Boys:

Please fill out the following application to the best of your ability. Be honest because if I find that you were untruthful on this application upon meeting you, there will be physical pain. However, the most pain you’ll experience in your truthful application will be caused by a minor paper cut or your own morality (in which I will not take blame for). Good luck!

Section A.
Personal Profile

Name: ________________  __________  ____________(if your last name is Clinton, rip up the paper now—I’ve heard too many Hillary Clinton jokes with my name already.)

Age: _______ (any man over 30 should rip this document up unless you are, in fact, Simon Cowell—shut up, he’s hot and would have no problem calling someone rude or a horrible person on my behalf. Sorry, Brad Pitt, but you have way too many children.)

Sex: ___________ (if you answered “Yes, please” then I like your witticism already—please be sure to circle “Handcuffs” when considering Section D.)

Single or Married: _______________ (Hint: Married is the WRONG answer)

# of Children: ___________________ (Another Hint: 0 is the CORRECT answer)

Section B.
Favorites
(Please provide answers to boring questions that I just need to know. I’ve given tips for each question.)

Color: (Not mauve—I’m not even sure I know what color that is)
Sport: (Competitive burping is not a sport)
Food: (P.S. Atkins followers need not apply)
Movie: (Anything goes from G to X rated)
TV show: (It would be very wise to put Friends)
Game: (Life—I like double entendres)
Song: (Don’t rush this one: it’s important)

Section C.
Personality Continuum
Please place an “X” at the point which you believe you fall on each continuum

Couch Potato                                                            Survivorman   
_________________________________________________________

Broke as a bum                   Able to purchase a small Hawaiian island
_________________________________________________________

Saint in hell                                                              Total asshat
_________________________________________________________

Euchre playing old fart                                                 Man-child
________________________________________________________

Knight in shining whatever                       You always interrupt, rude
__________________________________________________________
(Name both references from the continuum above and win a slutty prize. Seriously.)
___________________  from _____________________ & _____________________ from______________________ 

Section D.
Play and Pleasure
Please circle the following topics that interest you

Cardinals baseball
Video games
Handcuffs
Live music
Travel

Softball
Outdoors
Puppies
Driving
Swimming

Getting your ass up
Yard sales
Wine and spirits
Cooking
Cuddling

If you can’t circle at least 10 of the 15 options then you better be really, really good-looking to make up for your crappy personality. If you are only able to circle 5 and you are really, really good-looking then I’m lead to believe that you are still dull and we will not be compatible. You’re probably a vain bastard to boot. Sorry.

Section E.
Short answer
What? You really thought you could get past a writer without writing at least a few sentences? Ha! Foolass.

I consider myself:
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wish I could be more:
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

On a first date, I like to:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Section F.
References
Please list 3 single, attractive, male friends that I can contact in the event that your application really sucks.

Hot friend # 1: ____________________________________________________________________

Hot friend # 2:
__________________________________________________________________

Hot friend # 3:
____________________________________________________________________

Final Instructions
Please submit the application with at least one color photo dated within the past 6 months of submission. Failure to do so does not lead me to believe you are cute and mysterious; rather I will just void your application and think you are rather creepy.

Thank you for your time and good luck, boys!