Sidewalk Incidents and How to Respond

Sidewalks intend to provide a path of travel to a destination: class, food, home, work, orgy, whatever. Sometimes, however, little things get in our way. Most of us don’t fret over these little incidents until they come up—unless you have some sort of an uncontrollable anxiety disorder. Sorry, this must be hell for you. Well, maybe I can make life easier, or maybe now you’ll just notice these incidents even more. Sucks to be you in that case. Here we go:

1. The dance: This happens when you and another person are walking directly toward each other. Usually I continue to walk on my intended path waiting for someone else to move. (What? I’m little and don’t take up much room. Move your ass.) However, some movement is generally needed. Logically, I think to shift to my right because that is how traffic on the street flows. Often, the other person will move in the same direction and you will initiate a dance.
Solution: You can respond by moving farther to the other direction or make awkward eye contact to indicate which direction you intend on going. If neither works, start break dancing. Your challenger will move immediately in some other direction.

2. The herd: This occurs when you have 3 or more people who insist on chatting while they move to their destinations. These are friends and tours.
Solution: Personally, I prefer to walk straight through the crowd to let this irritating pack know where it stands. Although, usually you can quicken your speed or step off the sidewalk into the grass (gasp!) to bypass these jerks. Just beware of the dancing herds…

3. The quick chat: These assholes stop abruptly right in front of you when you’re walking. Solution: They suck. Plow into them.

4. The random cycler/the John Deere contraption: These will stalk you until you move out of their way so that they can pass on the sidewalk. Okay, I maybe understand the bicycle, but why is there a gator honking for me to move? Ever heard of the street, buddy?!
Solution: Move, then shoot the bird.

5. The wave of embarrassment: I’m not so sure which situation is worse with this case. Case 1: You see someone and start to wave. He/she looks at you funny, and then you realize that it’s not who you thought, just a very similar looking imposter. Dammit. Case 2: You think someone is waving at you so you wave back. This person is not waving at you, and now you feel stupid.
Solution: Stop waving at people. This is the opportunity to bring back the lame head nod.

6. The Worst: While walking to class, you spot an acquaintance heading in your direction. To smile, to wave, to pretend not to notice, to change paths completely? And so little time to decide.
Solution: Stop hooking up with people on a drunken Wednesday night—or at least make an effort to remember the name.